Fangirls and Handcuffs
by xElementFivex
Summary: Drabbles. L gives up sweets, Near learns about fanfiction, Matt and Mello get into some trouble, and Light learns about the implications of handcuffs.
1. Fangirls and Handcuffs

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. Nothing at all.**

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The day was over. L had already sent the rest of the investigation team home for the night. All except Light Yagami, who of course he was currently handcuffed to.

The two men sat side by side on the bed they were forced to share because of the handcuffs, each mulling over the new data on the Kira case.

Suddenly L turned to look at Light. "You know Light, we're alone right now."

"I'm aware of this Ryuzaki."

"You know the fangirls will be disappointed if we don't have some kind of explicit sexual contact after our long day of barely suppressed homosexual urges towards each other."

"I know Ryuzaki."

"Well then…"

Light sighed as the dark-eyed man pushed him to the bed and began to kiss him. When L paused to take a breath, Light said, "I suppose the fangirls won't be happy with us if we don't take off our shirts."

"Ah, good idea Light."

Both men began to remove their shirts, immediately tangling the cloth and themselves in the links around their wrists. They stared at the trapped fabric. As everyone knows, it's impossible to remove someone's shirt when there's a handcuff in the way.

"You know, Light…"

"Yes, Ryuzaki?"

"I don't think the fangirls thought this one through very well."

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	2. They Do That?

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"No way, Matt."

"Awww, come on Mello."

"No. There is no way in hell I'm doing that."

The redhead pouted. "But you promised me you'd do anything I want for my birthday."

"Anything but that Matt… it's just so… degrading."

"But Mello… it'll make me really happy. And it'll probably just make us love each other even more. Besides, L and Light do it all the time."

The blonde looked at Matt in surprise. "Really? They do… _that?_ But it's so…"

Matt nodded. "Yep they're always doing it to each other when they think no one else is home. I watch them sometimes, so I know a bunch of good techniques."

The blonde looked like he was beginning to consider complying with Matt's birthday wish.

"Besides," Matt continued. "If me and you practice and get really good at it, then you could do it with L sometime. Then he'll be sure to like you more than Near."

The thought of being better than Near at something was all the motivation Mello needed to break the last of his resolve.

"Fine," he said, throwing his last scrap of pride out of the window. The redhead squealed in happiness, seeing that his demands were going to be met.

"We can give each other makeovers, Matt. Now where's the damn lipstick?"

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	3. Fanfiction

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. Nothing at all.**

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Light's clenched fist hit the tabletop in frustration as Matsuda giggled for the twentieth in ten minutes. L turned his gaze unhappily from his piece of cake to look at the giggling man.

"Matsuda, is there something funny you want to say to us?"

Matsuda tore his eyes away from his computer screen to reply to L's question.

"No, Ryuzaki," he said still stifling laughter.

"Then would you kindly shut up so that I can get some work done? And if you find yourself incapable of doing so, then please excuse yourself from the room for awhile."

"Oh, you want me to leave the room? Yeah, I can definitely do that." Matsuda sprang from his seat and hurried towards the door. "You two have fun with your _work_." With one last chuckle, Matsuda closed the door to the investigation room, leaving only Light and L in the lofty room.

"Um…Ryuzaki?"

"Yes, Light?"

"What the hell is up with Matsuda today? This morning when he got in the elevator and realized we were in there he jumped right back out and took the stairs. Then this afternoon, I asked him to bring me a cup of coffee, and he brought me a piece of cake with the word 'love' spelled out on it strawberry icing. And after that, he dropped a book on relationships in my lap. And now he's been staring at the two of us and giggling incessantly all evening."

"Oh that. He's trying to get you and I to admit our feelings of love for each other."

"….WHAT?!"

L pulled Matsuda's laptop closer and turned its screen to face Light, clearly showing the last website Matsuda had been looking at.

"This explains it all Light. Matsuda's been reading fanfiction."

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	4. More Evil Than Kira

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"Ryuzaki, why are you staring at me like that?"

The detective sat, nibbling lightly on his thumb, while his dark eyes focused intently on Light.

"Seriously, Ryuzaki. You're starting to creep me out."

L sighed. "I am calculating, Light."

"That damn percentage again?"

"Yes. I am now 99.9% sure that you are Kira, Light. I just need to be 100% percent positive before I can arrest you."

"What's the other 0.1%?"

"The remaining percent is the chance that all these murders have been committed by the only person on earth more evil than Kira."

"…and who's that?"

"The man who created MTV."

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	5. Imitation

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. Nothing at all.**

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It was the end of another long day for the Kira investigation team. However, no one was headed home just yet. First they had to deal with a problem that had been becoming more troubling in the last week. And that problem was Light Yagami.

Or to be more precise, Light's sudden change in behavior.

It had started innocently enough. On Monday, Soichiro had commented on how long and unruly Light's hair was getting. Light just shrugged and sat down in front of his computer, immediately absorbed in his work.

Tuesday, Light surprised everyone by showing up dressed rather unlike his usual clean-cut self. The rest of the week he wore a seemingly endless collection of striped shirts, furry vests, and (this was what the investigation team found the strangest) yellow-tinted goggles.

On Wednesday, Light dyed his hair from its natural caramel brown color to a dark, vibrant red. When Matsuda asked about the change, Light just ignored him.

Thursday, Light spent the entire day playing a hand-held video game. L got especially annoyed when Light attempted to use one of the task force's computers to look up tips on how to beat it.

Today was Friday. The entire team, with the exception of Light, had met at lunch to discuss Light's newest annoying habit. The teen had been chain-smoking since breakfast. They decided that L should be the one to confront Light.

"Light, I wish to discuss something with you. We all would like to know the reason for your sudden change in behavior. "

"Oh, all this?" Light indicated his changed hair, clothes, and the cigarette dangling from his mouth.

"Yes, Light. All that."

"Simple, Ryuzaki. I want a bigger fan base. I heard that this kid, Matt, appears exactly twice in the entire show and he's got more fans than me."

"And you're dressed like him because…"

"Didn't you know Ryuzaki? Imitation is the quickest way to increase your fan base."

"…. I am 94% certain that is the stupidest thing I've ever heard."

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**Reviews?**


	6. Kira vs Cake

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. Nothing at all.**

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"Everyone, I have an announcement to make."

As L made his statement, the entire investigation team looked up in interest.

"Do you have a lead on Kira's identity? Or how he kills? Or-"

"No, Matsuda." L responded. "This is the most challenging case of my career. I have decided that, until I find the person responsible for Kira's actions, I will no longer eat any sweets."

…

"That's your big announcement?" Light said annoyance apparent in his voice.

"Well… yes." said L. "It's a very big deal."

"…Okay then." Said Light. "I'm gonna get back to work now. You can get back to all the other huge, life-altering decisions you're apparently making."

The team swiftly got back to work. After an hour, Light began to notice a small humming sound coming from L's seat. He shrugged and did his best to ignore the annoying sound.

Ten minutes, the black-haired man began to sigh. Over and over again. Light turned his seat away from L's in another attempt to ignore the man.

Ten minutes after that L began pacing back and forth behind Light's chair, stopping every couple of seconds to lean over Light's chair and say, "What cha doing?" Light did his best to ignore this behavior as well.

Finally, a full two hours after the great detective had given up sweets; the raven-haired man was now lying on the floor in the middle of the room, talking to himself.

"Dammit Ryuzaki, just eat some freaking sweets. I didn't know you could be this pathetic!"

"I told you, Light. I refuse to eat any sweets until I identify Kira." He resumed talking to himself.

….

Three more hours passed. Light couldn't stand it anymore.

"Fuck it all! I'm Kira! Now eat some fucking cake, you annoying little man!

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**Reviews make me smile. :]**


	7. Bad Hair Day

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. Nothing at all.**

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"Hey Matt, I have a question."

The gamer sighed inwardly and tried to ignore his best friend. He was so close to beating the final level on his newest video game, and the blonde had already interrupted him five times in the last ten minutes.

"Maaaattttttt, I have a question!" The blonde whined.

Without taking his eyes off the game, Matt replied. "What Mello? What the hell is your question?"

"Geez, no need to be so upset. I just wanna know why you changed your hair."

"I didn't."

"But… isn't it supposed to be-"

"No. It's not."

The blonde eyed his friend's hair suspiciously. "Are you sure? Because in the manga-"

"The manga never actually said what color my hair was, Mello."

"Really? But what about in the series and-"

"Did you even watch the series, Mello? It's brown in episode 32 and greenish in episode 35."

"No way?! But…but… in all the fanfictions you've got red hair."

"I know. It kinda pisses me off. Besides, since when are fanfictions accurate? According to most of them I've read, you and I have some sort of secret desire to gang rape Near."

The blonde looked at his friend with a sudden evil glint in his eye. "Hey, Matt. Do you wanna-"

"No."

Mello sighed. "You really are no fun at all Matt."

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**Reviews would be appreciated! **

**And yes, I looked it up and rewatched the episodes. It really is a different color between episodes 32 and 35.**


	8. Seven

**This fic's only serious drabble.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. Nothing at all.**

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_One_

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

_Two_

This isn't what I intended. You were supposed to-

_Three_

I swear! This wasn't part of the plan.

_Four_

Please stop! This wasn't supposed to happen!

_Five_

Can you forgive me? Can I forgive myself?

_Six_

This is my fault. Your pain is on my conscience. If I had known would I still have done it?

_Seven_

This is the most important thing I will ever say to you. Will you wait for me?

_Inhale. Silence._

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**The number seven is not technically correct. I chose it for various reasons.**

**Reviews would be awesome!**


	9. Bad Reviews

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. Nothing at all.**

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Mello was shocked when he walked into the room and saw Near sitting at the computer, furiously typing, a look of deep concentration on his face. It was unusual to see the white-haired boy not surrounded by his usual pile of toys. Mello snapped a piece off of the chocolate bar in his hand, and walked over to Near.

"Hey Near. What're you up to?"

"Good evening Mello. I'm just reviewing some stories about us on a fanfiction site."

"Oh really?" Mello crouched down to look more intently at the computer screen. His look changed from one of slight amusement to one of horror as he read what Near had written. "Near!" he hissed. "You can't write that!"

"Why not, Mello? I am merely pointing out the grammatical errors and overall lack of plot and character development in this story. That is what a review is for, no?"

"But… but..." the blonde struggled to form a sentence. "You've got to be nicer about it. You'll make the author angry. Wait a second…" a horrible thought formed in his mind. "…how many of these reviews have you written?"

"Only six or seven so far." Replied Near.

"Were they all like that?" Mello asked, panic rising in his voice.

"Well yes," responded Near. " I don't see the problem in them."

"And… and you signed them all? They're not anonymous?"

"Yes, that's correct."

The blonde grabbed Near by the shoulders and shook him, saying, "Don't you realize what you've done Near? You've made the fangirls angry! They're the authors! They have all the power! Do you realize what they can do to you?! They can make you pregnant!"

"Mello, it is anatomically impossible for me, a male, to become pregnant. Not to mention-"

"You think that they care about anatomy! They can do anything! They can make you a bondage-slave! They can give you all sorts of weird fetishes! They can make you a pregnant bondage-slave with weird fetishes!"

"But…but…" for once in his life, the white-haired boy was at a loss for words.

"Near," the blonde lowered his voice dramatically. "It gets worse."

"How?" whispered the small boy.

"They can even take away your toys."

Near stared frantically at the computer screen. "Oh dear god! What have I done?!"

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**I like reviews! They make me smile…**


	10. Attack of the MarySues!

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. Nothing at all.**

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Light, Matt, Mello, and Near all sat staring at the raven-haired man who had called the meeting.

"Thank you all for coming here today. I have the results of some very important research I've been conducting in my spare time, and it concerns all of you. Now I know that some of you-"

"Get on with it already, will you?!" Mello yelled at L. "Just tell us why we all had to be here. Matt's pissed you made him stop playing World of Warcraft."

Near cast a suspicious glance at the redhead, who was furiously punching buttons on his DS, oblivious to the conversation going on about him. "Are you sure you're not projecting your own feelings on Matt, Mello?"

"No it's definetly Matt who's pissed off."

L cleared his throat loudly. "May I continue? Good. Now I've gathered you here to warn you about a threat to our general health and well-being. This threat is growing every day as more and more people write fanfiction. This threat… is called the Mary-Sue."

There was silence following L's statement. L continued.

"The Mary-Sue will enter our lives suddenly, almost as if she never existed in the original series at all! And she will always be a stereotype, no matter how much the author claims she isn't. She'll typically be a girlfriend/fiancée/sister that you never knew you had. The havoc they can wreak will be cataclysmic! The entire Death Note universe will be thrown out of whack!"

Now the four boys were listening intently, horror on their faces.

"Even worse, the Mary-Sue will often be the cause of massive OOC-ness on our parts. None of us can possibly be canon with her around. Now the people at greatest risk for Mary-Sue attacks are people with the least defined past. That would be me, Matt, Mello, and Near. I am the most likely candidate for a secret fiancée Mary-Sue, as I'm the oldest. But Matt also seems to be a popular target."

"B-but," Mello stuttered. "That's _my_ Matty."

"The Mary-Sue has no regard for existing friendships."

"This is horrible!" Light said. "What can we do about this?"

"That's where my research comes in!" L replied. "I have developed this anti-Mary-Sue spray. I've already sprayed the doorways and windows of this building, so we should all be safe as long as we stay put."

All the men breathed a sigh of relief.

"Hey Light!" a male voice spoke up from behind them. They all turned slowly to look at the impossibly handsome man. "I'm your long-lost cousin/brother. I'm also the secret lover you've been hiding from everyone during the series, but now in this fanfiction I've magically appeared with a ready back-story!"

"Oh god," L whispered. "I forgot about the Gary-Stus!"

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	11. Strawberry Cake

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. Nothing at all.**

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"Remind me again why we're going through L's stuff, Mello."

"Because Matt, I'm convinced that L and Light have some sort of secret relationship. Have you seen those two? I mean they're freaking handcuffed together! There's no way something's not happening between them. I just need to find L's diary to prove it."

"I never really expected L to have a diary."

"Ha! Found it!" The blonde triumphantly held a small black notebook out to his best friend. "Now we just have to read it and see if I'm right. Okay… here are the entries for this week."

'_Oct. 28- Dear Diary, today I had strawberry cake.'_

'_Oct. 29- Dear Diary, I had strawberry cake twice today.'_

'_Oct. 30- Dear Diary, no strawberry cake today. I feel sad.'_

'_Oct. 31- Dear Diary, today is my birthday. I had extra-special strawberry cake.'_

Matt and Mello stared at the small book for a long time before Mello finally said.

"That's… the most boring diary ever. But… I'm still sure I'm right. Maybe L knew someone would look for diary. But there's got to be proof somewhere. And I will find it! Maybe on his computer…."

"Alright." Matt said with a grin. "Let's do this my way then."

Ten minutes and some amazing hacking skills (courtesy of a certain red-head), the two boys were looking intently through the files on L's computer.

"Nothing! There's nothing! No pictures, no dirty emails, nothing! And I was so sure I was right!"

"You're right Mello. There's nothing. The closest I can find is this file marked 'Strawberry Cake-Dirty'."

"…Don't click on that Matt. I don't want to look at twenty million pictures that L took of his freaking cake. The man has an unhealthy obsession. I give up. Let's just go back to Wammy's."

****************** _Later that night_

"Hey Ryuzaki, can I ask you a question?"

"Certainly, Light."

"Do you some sort of sweets fetish? Why do you keep calling me Strawberry Cake?"

"No reason."

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**I like reviews…more than L likes "strawberry cake".**


	12. L's Successors Part One: Near

**This is part one of a three-part drabble. **

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. Nothing at all.**

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"Watari, I trust you have done as I requested yesterday?"

"Yes, L. I placed a video camera and wiretaps into each of your potential heir's bedrooms. Although I'm still uncertain why you feel the need to observe them secretly."

The black-haired detective carefully examined the cake on his plate. "It's simple. If I choose my successor based solely off of test ranking, it would be Near. But there is a 20% chance that he will fail for reasons other than his intellect. Strength, for example. I need to take the over-all evaluation of my heirs into consideration along with their rankings. So I've decided to observe them each for a day, to see if they harbor any secret weaknesses or strengths that could affect their ability to act as the next L."

Without waiting for the older man to reply, L turned on the monitor showing footage from the camera placed in Near's room.

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Near sat in the middle of his spotless white room, his own white clothes, hair and skin practically acting as camouflage. He sighed in happiness as looked at the smooth, white walls and ran his hand through the plush alabaster carpet.

There was nothing that made Near happier than the color white. He was obsessed with it. In fact, you could almost say Near loved white _so_ much, that he was afraid of other colors.

Then Near saw something that filled him with horror. What was that on the carpet? Was that-? A… stain?

*****************

L watched for half an hour as Near frantically scrubbed the same spot over and over again, two heavy jugs of bleach next to him.

"Hmmm… displays rather obsessive-compulsive tendencies. That could be a problem. Maybe, however, it's just- Wait a second! Watari… is he doing what I think he's doing?"

"Yes L. Rodger mentioned that last time I talked to him about the children. Apparently Near does that from time to time. Something about Near wanting to stay 'clean and white'. It's amazing it hasn't had any effect on his test scores…or his health. It's almost a medical miracle."

"Okay, then." said L. "I'll have to observe Mello now. Near is out of the running. I can't have a successor who would willingly drink bleach."

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**How bout some reviews? Thanks! **

**Next time we spy on Mello! **


	13. L's Successors Part Two: Mello

**Part two! Time to spy on Mello! **

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. Nothing at all.**

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After witnessing some very disturbing behavior from his first successor, L turned his attention to the footage from Mello's bedroom.

The blonde was currently buried in mounds of schoolwork. Papers, textbooks, and chocolate bar wrappers littered every surface in the room. Mello was determined to beat Near no matter how much studying it required.

Mello grunted in annoyance as a hesitant knock sounded at his door.

"Who is it and what the hell do you want?" he called

"I-It's me, Mello. Robby? Remember… you threatened to beat me up if I didn't come and tell you the new rankings immediately."

"Oh yeah," the blonde replied. "I remember now. Get your ass in here."

The other orphan nervously opened the door and entered Mello's room.

"Well?" Mello said. "Don't just stand there all fucking day. Am I beating Near or not?"

"N-n-no. H-he's actually b-beating you b-b-by fifteen more points than yesterday."

"………WHAT?!"

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L and Watari stared at the monitor, completely astounded at the carnage they saw.

"Displays possible sociopathic tendencies. Not to mention very obvious anger problems and a… erm…predisposition towards excessive … violence." The detective said.

"L. Did you see what he-"

"Yes, Watari. Mello very obviously can't be my successor. Too emotional. However," the black-haired man looked up at the screen thoughtfully. "That was certainly the most c_reative_ use of a chocolate bar I've ever seen."

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**Mello's got an anger problem. Who would've thought? **

**Now we spy on Matt! **

**Reviews? I'll give you a cookie.**


	14. L's Successors Part Three: Matt

**And the conclusion of the three-part drabble. Matt!**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. Nothing at all.**

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L sighed. He was extremely disappointed with his first two successors. They both had turned out to harbor strange tendencies that ultimately would lead to their failure as his replacement. His only hope now was that the third in line, Matt, would be someone fit to take his place. He turned his gaze to the third monitor.

The red-head sat in a corner of his room playing on a hand-held video game. L watched as the gamer played for two hours straight, pausing the game only to light up a fresh cigarette.

"Is having an unhealthy addiction a requirement to be L?" Watari asked.

"No." L replied. "Just an unfortunate side effect."

They continued to watch the screen.

Three hours later L pounded a closed fist down on the tabletop in front of him in frustration. He had had enough of watching the teen play a video game. It had been five hours and he hadn't even moved!

"Well that's it." L declared. "None of them can possibly succeed me. New plan. I'm just going to have to live forever."

Watari just stared at the detective.

"The world is just screwed, isn't it?"

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**Yes. Yes it is.**

**Reviews? The next drabble will feature…. Mikami!**

**Because I loved him. =]**


	15. Sakujo!

**I'm accepting challenges! Leave me a word or a phrase along with your review and I'll attempt to make a drabble out of it! This will be interesting…**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. Nothing at all.**

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Mikami had a goal in life.

No. More than that.

He had a mission from God himself.

Mikami was going to help God rid the world of evil, of injustice, of all the lowly scum of the earth.

He would aid God in the creation of a new world.

But before his goal could be reached, Mikami first had to get rid of a few things.

"Delete," he muttered. "Delete. Delete. Delete. Delete. Delete. DELETE!"

******************

Two teenage boys peered around the door to look into Mikami's room.

"See Mello, didn't I tell you this was a good idea?"

"You were so right Matt. Spamming Mikami's inbox was freaking genius!"

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**Reviews? Or I'll send Mikami to come delete all your email. **


	16. Jealousy

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. Nothing at all.**

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_Matt sighed in pleasure as Near ran a creamy white hand up his chest. Near pushed him to the bed and climbed on top of him as their mouths met in a violent kiss._

Matt looked up from the computer screen and laughed.

"Can you believe this crap, guys? I mean… me and Near? And Near being the seme? No freakin way. Right Mello?"

"Mello?"

"….Mello?"

"Oh my god! Mello, stop choking Near!"

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**Wow that was short. Sorry….but I'd still appreciate some reviews. A lot. **


	17. Letter From L

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. Nothing at all.**

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"Mellllloooo! Neeaaarrr! Get in here!"

A blonde came skidding around the corner to the front hall of the orphanage. He was followed a few seconds later by a small, white-haired boy who made his way much more calmly to stand next to the redhead who had called for them.

"What the hell did you scream for? I thought you were dying or something man!" the blonde said angrily.

Matt waved a piece of paper in front of the other two boy's faces. "We got a letter."

Mello stared at him. "You interrupted my chocolate time for this? You know how I feel about having my chocolate time interrupted Matt."

"Shut up and listen to the letter," the redhead retorted.

_Dear Near, Mello, and Matt_

_I am writing this letter to you on behalf of the great detective L (who I am definitely not). He wants you three to realize that you will never match his level of prestige and general awesomeness and so you should give up trying to be his heirs. You will never be better than him. Ever. _

_Sincerely, _

_Anonymous._

_PS. I haven't seen Watari in a few days… if you see him could you tell him I'm out of cake? Thanks._

Shock robbed the three boys of speech for a long time before Matt finally said, "This… is who we're training to replace?"

Near and Mello continued to stare at the paper in Matt's hand, each looking deeply disturbed.

"Well," Matt continued. "You guys wanna stop competing? I'm pretty sure they don't really need us anymore. At this rate, even Matsuda could be the next L."

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**If you review, I swear to never make another Russell Brand reference in my writing again. EVER!**


	18. Glasses

**Challenge-Drabble: This one is from The Weird Shipper**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. Nothing at all.**

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L squinted at the computer screen in front of him as he rubbed his temples. Lately, his vision had been getting worse. He knew he should get glasses, but he just couldn't bring himself to do it. L didn't want to admit any kinds of weakness.

A short beep sounded from the computers set up near the front of the room. Watari must be sending more information for the task force. He would send it from his own computer and it would be displayed on the main monitors for everyone to see.

Everyone could see it, that is, except a certain detective.

L squinted with all his might at the distant screen. He refused to admit defeat!

"Ryuzaki," said Light, sounding exasperated. "We can all tell you need glasses. Please just go to eye doctor and get a pair so you can stop all this ridiculous squinting."

"I'm afraid I don't know what you are talking about, Light." replied the detective. "I am perfectly fine."

"Whatever you say." Light retorted before turning his attention back to the screen.

L focused even harder, but it was no use. He just couldn't read the words from this far away. Trying his best to be nonchalant, he got up from his chair and moved to sit next to Matsuda, who was located much closer to the front of the room.

"Ha!" exclaimed Light, looking smug. "I told you, you can't see! Just admit it!"

"I still don't know what you are referring to Light. Perhaps I just wanted to sit next to my good friend Matsuda."

Matsuda turned towards L with a gleeful look on his face. "Friend! Really, Ryuzaki? This is great! I didn't know you thought of us as friends! Really this is awesome! I know! Do you want to come over to my apartment this weekend! We could rent movies or-"

"On second thought Light, would you please tell Watari I need an appointment with the eye doctor immediately?"

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	19. Suspicion

**Challenge-Drabble: This one is from Sonar**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. Nothing at all.**

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It was the dead of night and there was no one present in the Kira Task Force Headquarters. Nobody that is, except a young police man.

Matsuda chuckled evilly as he surveyed the empty room. No sound spoiled the late night silence. Perfect. This was the perfect night to carry out his evil plan.

The best part was that no on the task force would even think of suspecting him. L was too busy trying to convict Light of being Kira. If only he knew that Matsuda was up to something much heinous right under his nose. This would be the perfect pay-back for all the jokes they made at his expense.

Matsuda worked intently on his task for half an hour. Then, satisfied with his work, he crept out of the building and into the night, laughing under his breath the whole time.

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"L," said Light. "Matsuda hid all the pens again, didn't he?"

"Yes Light. Yes he did."

"Should we tell him that we know it's him?"

"No Light. It's best to let him have his fun."

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**Reviews? Thanks.**


	20. Death Of a Series

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. Nothing at all.**

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L stared in disbelief at the papers in front of him. These reports couldn't possibly be right. There was no way that-

The phone rang, interrupting the detective's frantic thoughts. He picked it up and was shocked to find Matt and Mello on the other end of the line.

"L!" exclaimed Mello. "What the fu-agggghhhh! What the he-mmpphphhh! What's going on? We woke up this morning and things have completely changed. I can't even cuss anymore! Every time I try I feel like something's choking me!"

"Yeah!" Matt's panicked voice replaced Mello's. "And I can't find my cigarettes anywhere! I went to the store but they acted like they didn't know what I was talking about. It's like they've been erased from the world or something!"

"I think-" began L.

Suddenly Light burst into the room, cutting L off mid-sentence. "Ryuzaki! Kira's stopped killing criminals! But it's the weirdest thing. They're not dying, but they're disappearing. The news said Kira's sending them to the shadow realm. What's happening?"

L took a deep breath before answering loudly enough for both Light and the two boys on the phone to hear. "I think…. Our series has been 4kidz'd."

"Oh god no!" wailed Matt on the phone. "This is worse than what happened to Yu-Gi-Oh!"

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**Reviews? Thanks. **


	21. Chips

**Challenge-Drabble: This one is from TheEvilMuffinToaster**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. Nothing at all.**

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"And then I'll take a potato chip…and eat- ugh! What the hell is this?"

The very disgruntled teen stared angrily at the half-eaten chip in his hand. He seemed to be debating internally, and finally, after a long moment, he whipped out his pen and dramatically wrote a single name in the death note.

Ryuk leaned over his shoulder to see what Light had written. "Whoa Light! That's your mother's name! Why would you write her name in the death note?"

Light tossed the remains of his potato chip onto the desk and said, "She deserved it. She _knows_ I hate store-brand chips."

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**Review and it will make me smile. A lot.**


	22. Canon

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. Nothing at all.**

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"Hey L," said Light, glancing quickly at the man sitting next to him who was focused intently on his computer. "Don't get me wrong; I'm completely enjoying this break from all the highly illogical sex we've been having… but why exactly are we concentrating on the Kira case again?"

"I have explained this to you already Light," replied the detective. "We are canon in this fanfiction. The only feelings we have towards each other are ones of annoyance and general mistrust."

"Oh," said Light. "Well whatever, the reason, it feels weird."

"Don't worry," L stated. "We'll get back to all the inappropriate sex in a moment. It's not like anyone reads canon fics these days."

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**Reviews? Thanks.**


	23. Main Characters

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. Nothing at all.**

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All the main characters of Death Note were gathered in the Task Force Headquarters. They met once a week to discuss the latest and greatest fanfics the internet had to offer.

L, Light, Misa, and Ryuk were busy combing through the massive archives of AU's, hoping to find a salvageable one, while Mello and Near bickered over who's character got raped more often in fanfiction.

"Well," said L, "we should begin-"

"Hey guys!" Matt burst through the door, interrupting L. "Sorry I'm late! Why didn't you guys tell me we were having a meeting?"

"Oh… hey there… Matt…" said L. "Did… Did you see the sign on the door on your way in, by any chance?"

"No." replied Matt. "Hold on, I'll go look." The redhead quickly ducked back out of the room to inspect the door. The rest of the cast exchanged annoyed looks while he was gone.

"What's so special about the sign? It just says 'Main Characters Only'." Matt came back into the room and shrugged. "I don't get it."

"Well Matt," Mello looked guiltily at him. "You're kind of… not."

"Not what?"

"Not… a main character."

"What? I'm totally a main character! Have you _seen_ how many fics there are about me?"

"Yeah…," L spoke this time. "That's only because fangirls assume that if you're good looking, you're worthy of main character status."

"But…but," Matt began, but was interrupted by Light.

"Look Matt, why don't you just leave. We'll be done soon anyway."

"This sucks," mumbled Matt. "I hate being a minor character."

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**Reviews? Thanks.**

**Oops. **

**By the way, is there any subject people want to see a drabble written on?**


	24. Mello's Secret

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. Nothing at all.**

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"Mello, you've been in the bathroom for half an hour. Get out already!"

"I'll be out in a second!"

"What the hell?" Matt tapped his foot impatiently, staring at the bathroom door. "What could you possibly be doing in there?"

"Nothing!" Mello shouted through the closed door.

"Whatever, dude. I'm coming in." Matt started to push the door open.

"No wait! Don't-" Mello's protests were cut off mid-sentence as the door swung open.

Matt's eyes widened in shock, while Mello stood there sheepishly.

"What…what the hell?" Matt said, in complete disbelief.

"Ummm…yeah." Mello replied, blushing slightly.

"I…I thought that was just a rumor…"

"Ah….no. No, it's true."

"But…really? You're…and all this time you've been…."

"Yeah."

Matt shook his head, trying to clear his thoughts. "So… umm… does anyone else know?"

Mello sighed. "No. And I'd prefer if you didn't tell anyone either. Have you seen how they treat Misa? Lord knows I'd lose all my credibility on this show if people found out I was a chick."

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**Reviews? Thanks.**


	25. Sucks To Be Light

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. Nothing at all.**

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"Hey Matt, I'm leaving for the weekend. But I'll be back on Sunday, okay?"

"What the hell Mello? I thought we were going to hang around the orphanage this weekend playing video games, eating chocolate and generally angsting over our tragic back-stories. As genius orphans training to be replacements for the world's greatest antisocial detective we obviously have nothing better to do with our time."

"I'm sorry Matt, I can't this weekend. I gotta go home cause it's my mom's birthday on Saturday."

The redhead stared at his friend incredulously. "But…we're orphans Mello. We don't have parents."

"Actually I do. I just pretend to be an orphan so I can live at Wammy's House."

Matt shook his head in confusion. "Why the hell would you want to do that?"

"Well obviously," Mello replied. "I do it for the fans. No one wants to fangirl over a character without a tragic back-story. I mean, just look at Light. He's conventionally more attractive than me but no one really likes him. And why is that Matt? Not enough tragedy, that's why. Without my tragic past, I'm really just an effeminate guy with kind of a shitty personality who's obsessed with beating a little kid."

Matt stared at Mello, surprised by his blatant reply. "I guess I never thought about it that way Mello. Poor Light. Twice the looks and only half the fangirls."

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**Reviews? Please and thank you.**


	26. The Source

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. Nothing at all.**

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It was a typical day at Wammy's House. In their shared room, Mello and Matt were each absorbed in their own worlds. Matt was pressing buttons on his DS at a furious pace, while Mello typed madly at the computer.

All of the sudden Mello gave a sudden screech of outrage and banged his head down on the keyboard. Matt looked up in surprise.

"What the hell, Mello?"

Mello lifted his head off the keyboard. "I can't take it anymore Matt! I've been reading fanfiction for three hours now, and I keep coming across these freakin songfics! I don't understand! How can there be so many of them?!"

Mello took a deep breath, trying to contain his anger. Then, a sudden evil glint came into his eye. It was an expression that Matt knew well. Mello reached underneath his desk and pulled out his gun. After checking that it was fully loaded, he strode to the door, grabbing his jacket on the way.

"Where are you going man?" asked Matt.

Mello replied, "I accept that there's nothing I can do to stop people from writing crappy songfics, Matt. No amount of flaming will deter them. But there is something I _can_ do. I'm going to go after the source of the evil."

"The source?"

"I'm going after Taylor Swift."

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**I actually kinda like her. I do not like reading her lyrics over and over again, instead of the author's original fics. The One Called Demetra said it best in her non guide: "**_Forget the fucking song._**"**

**Reviews? Thanks.**


	27. Awkward

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. Nothing at all.**

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Matt and Mello lay on opposite sides of the bed, sheets tangled around their bodies and matching looks of horror on their faces. After a long silence, Matt finally spoke.

"So… um… that was…"

Mello said nothing.

"….awkward," Matt finished.

Mello mumbled something unintelligible, refusing to look Matt in the eye.

"So…," Matt spoke again. "I think it would be best if we don't see each other for awhile. Ya know… because…uh…yeah."

Matt slipped out of the bed and quickly dressed himself. He avoided looking directly at the blonde until he was at the door, ready to leave.

Matt sighed. "Mello, you can stop acting so traumatized now. You were the one that suggested we try it. Oh, and by the way," Matt looked Mello directly in the eye," you are never ever allowed ffnet again. It gives you terrible ideas."

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**Reviews are like crack to me.**

**No seriously, they are.**


	28. Fanart

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. Nothing at all.**

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It was useless. Light just couldn't concentrate on his work today. Especially not with a giggling detective situated only a few feet away from him.

'What is with people in the task force and giggling these days?' thought Light. It just didn't seem natural that men should giggle as often as they did around that place.

With one last look at his computer screen, Light sighed and gave up today's work as a lost cause. He then shifted his gaze over to L, who was consumed with another fit of giggles.

"What are you looking at, L?" asked Light, no longer able to contain his curiosity.

"Oh, just some fan art." L replied.

"Fan art," Light sounded puzzled. "What's fan art?"

"It's drawings that our fans have done as a sort of homage to the show. There are actually some pretty good ones."

"Ok," said Light slowly, "I get that. But why were you laughing so hard?"

"Well, there are some pretty funny ones out there. For some reason, fans seem to insist on drawing me as a panda, and Near as a sheep. Oh, and I found this great one of Mello as a little Dutch girl!"

Light snorted. "Okay, I have to admit that is pretty funny. Hey! Are there any of me?"

L suddenly looked nervous. "Uh.. no. I haven't found any. Nope."

Light glared at L. "I don't believe you. Let me see that computer screen."

"No!" L exclaimed and dove to cover the screen with his arms. Light sprang from his seat and shoved L away from the monitor.

"….L… what's this?"

"Uh… it's … I didn't want you to see it! I knew you'd be offended."

"L, this isn't even a picture. It's just a huge black scribble. And it says douchebag across the top."

"Yeah… I know."

"This is what the fans think of me?"

"Unfortunately."

Light stared at the screen dejectedly and whispered, "This sucks. No one ever likes me."

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**Reviews? Thanks.**


	29. Panda

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. Nothing at all.**

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"Hey Light, I have an important errand I need you to run, if you're not too busy."

Light looked up from his computer screen in interest. What errand could his father have for him that could possibly be more important than his work to catch Kira?

"Yeah? What is it, Dad?"

"We need you to go pick up Ryuzaki."

Light sighed in frustration. "Pick him up from where?"

"The zoo."

"…they locked him up with the pandas again, didn't they." It was more of a statement than a question.

"Yes. Yes they did."

Light ran a hand through his hair angrily as he searched his pockets for his car keys. "You know… I really hate that man sometimes."

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**Reviews? I'd love em. **


	30. Seduction

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. Nothing at all.**

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Ryuk hovered closely behind Light, watching intently as the boy methodically shoveled away the dirt in a bare patch of the backyard.

"What are you doing, Light?"

"I'm gardening, Ryuk. I'm trying to grow some fruit."

"Are apples fruit? Are you growing apples? You should grow some apples, Light!"

"I'm not growing apples," Light carefully lifted a fragile, leafy plant into one of the holes he had dug. "I'm growing strawberries."

Ryuk took a moment to mourn the fact that he would not be getting a steady supply of the juicy fruit he loved so much, and then quickly turned his attention back to Light. "Care to explain why?"

"Because Ryuk, L suspects me of being Kira."

"You're going to have to run that one by me again. How does growing strawberries have anything to do you being Kira?"

"Well," Light transferred another tiny, green plant as he spoke, "I'm going to take the advice of all that fanfiction I've been reading. I'm just going to seduce him. I'll give him these strawberries, have sex with him, and he'll forget all about me ever being Kira! Or he'll just not care… the writers are always kind of vague about his reasoning."

"So… you're just going to seduce him? That seems illogical."

"Are you kidding me Ryuk? Have you looked at me? Girls drool whenever I'm within a hundred mile radius. It can't be that hard to get into his pants."

"Yeah, sure. So, now that you're done planting, what are you going to do?"

"Hmmm," Light picked up the instruction pamphlet and quickly skimmed through it. "According to this I should be ready to seduce him in… thirty to forty five days?"

"…"

"I'm gonna need another plan."

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**I have no clue if that growing time is right. I don't eat strawberries, so I've never personally felt the need to grow them.**

**Reviews? Who do you think should get some more screentime in these drabbles?**


	31. Noises

**It's been awhile. I wish I could offer you a better drabble than this, but this one will have to do for now. **

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. **

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"Ok, that's it! This is the fifth night in a row; I can't take it anymore!" Light shrieked. He sat up in bed and threw off his sheets. "Why the hell did I have to get the room next to L's? I am so sick of those _disgusting _noises every damn night!"

Light narrowed his eyes. He had the perfect plan to embarrass L and ensure that he would finally be able to get a good night's sleep again. He wasn't going to stand another night listening to… _that_… anymore. He would bust in on L and then let the entire task force know how perverted the detective really was.

Light swiftly and quietly exited his room and crept the few feet to the next doorway. He paused slightly before slamming the door open and screaming, "Ha! This time I got you L! I- what the hell is that?"

L didn't bother shifting his attention from the cake cooking book he was currently drooling all over. "This is a cook book Light. Really, did you need me to tell you that? I would assume you would know this sort of this thing."

Light stared in abject confusion before backing slowly out of the room, pulling the door closed as he did so. In the hallway, he slid down the wall and sat huddled on the floor. He muttered to himself, "I really, really hate this case."

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**Yeah, it ends really similarly to another drabble... oh well.**

**Reviews are most appreciated.**


	32. Multicultural

**I apologize in advance for this.**

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"Salve. Dormivi bene nam semel. Tu?"

Mello glared at Matt. It was early and the blonde was lacking the required amount of chocolate in his system to tolerate confusion. "What the fuck did you just say?"

"A que te refieres?"

Mello's glare intensified. "Seriously, stop that."

"Was?"

"Matt, I will use your head as a punching bag if you don't start making sense right now!"

Matt held up his hands defensively. "Jeez, Mello. No need to freak. I just thought we were all doing whatever language we wanted now."

"Why the hell would you think that?"

"Well when you go over the entire series, we apparently speak fluent Japanese, hang out with mafia thugs in America with no discernable language barriers, yet somehow we were raised in England with no trace of an accent. …So I figured I could just use whatever language I felt like, since we're apparently linguistic geniuses."

Mello sighed and crossed his arms, annoyance written across his features. "Well you can't. This just dumb. My suspension of disbelief doesn't stretch that far."

"Oh." Matt fell silent for a moment, then, "Ne quidem-"

"Shut up."

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**Latin, Spanish, German, ten Latin again. In case you were wondering. Errr I didn't use an internet translator on some of it, since I speak rudimentary Latin and those generators tend to be completely wrong. Apologies if it's incorrect.**


	33. Conditioning

**I definitely typed something in this drabble that I never imagined I would type, and hope to never type again. Unless it's completely crack-y like this.**

**Disclaimer: Like this would keep the lawyers off our butts anyway.**

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Early one morning, Light walked into the main room of the Kira Task Force Headquarters… and immediately began to wish that he had just stayed in bed. What greeted him was perhaps the most bizarre sight he had ever laid eyes upon. L sat in a chair, arms folded behind his back, a look of the utmost concentration and, for some reason, discomfort on his face. Next to him stood Watari, who was running a giant feather up and down L's torso… tickling him?

"Well, I definitely can't ever un-see that," Light said with a grimace. "And now at the risk of hearing something I can never un-hear… what the hell are you doing?"

Watari stilled his feather, and both he and L looked up at Light. "Ah, Light," said L. "Good morning. To answer your question, Watari is assisting me in my training."

"Training?"

"Yes," L nodded. "I'm conditioning myself not to laugh, even when the urge is unbearable."

"Why would you want to do that?"

"I have a very serious job. What if I'm ever in a situation where I feel the uncontrollable urge to laugh at the most inopportune moment. What if holding back my laughter for even five more seconds could save my life?"

Light crossed his arms and shook his head. "What a stupid idea." Light shook his head again and went to go sit at his computer. He muttered, "Like that would ever happen."

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**Reviews?**


	34. Eraser

**Disclaimer: [Insert disclaimer here]**

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"L!" The Kira Task Force headquarters was abuzz with the excitement of the newly discovered Death Note. Finally, here was the thing they had been seeking. The tool that allowed Kira to dole out his perverted brand of justice on the world. L was studying the innocuous-looking black notebook intently when Matsuda and Mogi raced toward him, eager to share new information on the case.

"Yes," L responded, still intent on the notebook.

"We think we've discovered how Kira was able to bring those criminals back to life," Mogi answered quickly. The question had been plaguing them almost as deeply as the question of how Kira was able to kill in the first place. Then he went and did the impossible again, bringing the criminals back to life. It was almost like he was messing with them.

L was paying full attention now. "Well?"

"A death eraser."

"Yes, something that 'erases' death," L nodded. "We figured that out already. But what is it?"

Mogi hesitated and then held up a small, pink object. "… it's an eraser."

L took the eraser between two fingers and held it disdainfully in front of his face. "Wow, a literal eraser. Can't say I saw that one coming." L sighed and put the eraser down on the desk in front of him. "You know… Kira was a lot more threatening before we found out he's using tools he could have stolen from a pre-schooler.

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**A little explanation: In one version of the pilot chapter of Death Note, Ohba or Obata (can't remember which) originally had Mikami (edit: Not Mikami, Taro Kagami) as the main character, and another aspect of the story was the Death Eraser, which could erase names out of the Death Note and literally… erase death. **

**Yeah, I love you Ohba and Obata, but that was one idea that really needed to get trashed.**


	35. Fanon

"Well, what about-"

"No." L interrupted Mello mid-sentence.

"Not even-" This time it was Near who spoke.

"Still no." L said, showing the beginnings of agitation.

Now Matt spoke up. "Can't we just-"

"NO!" L swiveled his chair around to face the three boys. "No, I am not taking you to the beach. I am not taking you to an amusement park. I am not taking you camping, hiking, or fishing. And I am definitely not playing truth or dare with you. I have a dangerous criminal to catch!"

The three boys stared at L with sullen faces as the detective continued to rant. "What are you three even doing here? You're not even supposed to be in this series yet!"

"Fine!" Mello responded loudly. "Forget we even asked." The blonde turned on his heel and stalked away. Matt followed him silently.

Near gave a small sigh before hurrying after the two boys, and said, "You know, fanon L is a lot more fun."

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**I've started a new parody. I should probably finish my old ones first but oh well. Go read it. Or not. I'm not that witty. Haha.**


	36. Bad Hat

"Hey Matt?"

"Hmm?" Matt looked up from his DS to glance at his friend. Mello had taken a departure from the norm today and had donned a particularly awful hat.

"How do I look?"

"You look like a douchebag. A douchebag with a stupid hat."

"By stupid you mean sexy, right?"

"By stupid I mean ridiculous. Also stupid."

"What about now?"

"Now you look like a douchebag with a backwards hat."

"Now?"

"Turning it sideways just makes me want to slap you. For being a douchebag."

"Well, that's just mean, Matt."

"Well, it's a stupid hat. I mean, who in their right mind would wear such a stupid hat? It's like all the stupid in the universe had sex and that hat was the baby."

"You know I took this out of your closet, right?"

"…"


End file.
